爸爸喺～e度

話說尋日爸爸帶BBV去公園仔玩，行返屋企嘅途中有鄰居剪草。
仔仔仔一向都驚啲機器嘅「籠籠」聲，就拍拍心口話：「驚驚呀，驚驚呀！」
爸爸話：「唔洗驚，剪草咋嘛！」
兩仔爺繼續向前行，仔仔仔越行越筆直，好似好有信心咁。
爸爸話：「仔仔，仲驚唔驚呀？」
仔仔答：「唔驚！」
爸爸：「咁叻？點解唔驚呀？」
仔仔答：「唔驚！爸爸喺～e度！！」

嘩！爸爸冧晒！！

Makes me think...do I carry the same faith when I hold on to my Heavenly Father?

(happened on a Sunday afternoon, August 28, 2011~when BBV @22 months old)

Next steps...

The follow up appointment at the hospital did not go well....I did not 'pass'...and thus will be taken to the next phase...being referred to an endocrinologist for an appointment next week. Yes, learned a new word: an endocrinologist is a diabetes specialist doctor: Endocrinology is the study of hormones and their function, and the most common hormonal disease being diabetes.

Anyhow...glad hubby did come with me...I cried my eyes out when we left the hospital. I felt like a COMPLETE failure...and being cheated. Diet didn't work....my numbers are getting worse even though I'm being very careful about what I eat already...yes, I've switched to whole wheat bread + 10-grain-rice already...so what? I am eating 6 smaller meals a day and it's not working! I actually lost weight in the past few weeks already....so what? They lied!!! Alot of frustrations and worries and I couldn't help with tears dropping non-stop. The nurse say I actually need to eat more because I'm not gaining weight... Alot of frustrations and self-blame!

We prayed last night before bedtime. And now I guess I've accepted the idea that I may be on insulin soon. I AM scared. but what can I do? I fear more is that even insulin won't work! Just like when they say diet will work and diet DIDN'T work! I feel like I've lost faith in the system / program. Maybe it still won't work even if I'm willing to take insulin.....I am worry about the health of the little one...

Well...alot less emotional today already...Hubby and I took a walk after breakfast this morning and the talk + fresh air helped. I am trying very hard to remind myself that I need to keep baby happy! I don't want baby to feel the negative vibe and be stressed....but of course, that is TOO easy to say than do. I don't know how long / how stable I am able to keep my emotions at bay.

I feel I don't even WANT to talk to people or see people anymore because just thinking about it bring tears and I'm tired of talking and then crying...I know many people have it worse and I don't really have a right to complain so much.....yet I understand very well that I should not hide neither...it's a difficult balance I guess...

Oh my Obe Bunny...what can Mama do to make you feel better?

Someone was praying for me

Someone is praying for you, someone is praying for you.
So when it seems you’re all alone, and your heart will break in two.
Remember someone is praying for you

Have the crowds round you gathered in the midst of the storm
Is your ship tossed and battered are you wearied and worn
Don’t lose hope someone’s praying for you this very day
And peace be still is already on the way

When it seems that your praying ‘til your strength is all gone
And your tears fall like raindrops all the day long
He cares and He knows just how much you can bear
He’ll speak your name to someone in prayer

Remember someone is praying for you

--------- "Someone is Praying for You" by Lanny Wolfe

Let me admit, I was so weak and MAD I didn't even pray myself yesterday ... (until at the middle of the night when I really really wanted to sleep I yelled (with my no-voice), "Jesus please just let me sleep!!"...but even that was more like a complaint than a prayer...anyways...)

But I know, someone WAS praying for me.

Thank you.

And so... finger poking continues....

Depressing Morning...

I had a tough morning.

So I didn't pass my 2nd Glucose Test. This morning was a 4 hour group session at the hospital, with some(minimal) one-on-one time with the dietician ... it was more like a workshop, where they went over the causes of gestational diabetes, what to watch for, the diet plan, etc etc...

Hubby had asked me before if I want him to come with me..but I thought, oh well it's just a class, let's not waste a 'holiday' to come with me... let's make better use his time-off when I really need him...plus, his parents are coming soon so he may need some time off... Anyways, I said no need.

But when I got there, there were a few husbands... one girl even came with both husband + sister. The nurse was praising "Oh that is very nice to have someone here to support you..." type things.... OK.. I know I'm in no position to complaint because I was the one who said no need, but still...that didn't make me feel good. Then because of the "one on one" time and I was one of the early ones that arrived...there was about at 45 minutes wait of doing nothing but reading the package they give you...which made me feel even more lonely and starting to feel a little depressed...

During the workshop we were taught how to use the glucose test meter (poking our fingers) and each of us have to take turn showing the nurse (& thus the whole class) how we are doing it. On my right is the couple that had the husband to calm the girl not to be scared and blah blah blah... on my left is the one with husband + sister to cheer her on... OK.. not to make a big fuss, I know it's just poking finger with the needle and getting a tiny drop of blood...but this first time of doing it is kind of scary! and I had to pretend I'm the brave one with no one to whine with .... Again.. can only blame myself coz I told hubby he doesn't need to come! But I didn't know they were going to make me poke my own finger in class!!!

Maybe I'm just getting emotional because of my cough and lack of proper sleep (I haven't slept for almost a week now because of bad night cough..but that's another story) ... but I'm in a pretty depressing mode right now!

When I first arrived at the hospital I left a message on FB saying I'm waiting at the clinic. By the time I left there were many encouraging messages...which I am very grateful for loving friends. HOWEVER! With every encouraging word that I'm getting, comments like "oh, there's alot of women that goes through that.. it's very common, not to worry, It's nothing to worry about...etc etc..."... These are actually ADDing to the pressure... Should I not talk about it anymore? I feel like they are not really understanding my concerns...or I should say, they don't really see my feelings.... I don't want to become a whiner and sounds like I'm making a big fuss out of nothing.... or should I just hide my emotions and pretend I'm not bothered by it...

Oh well... I guess I better get back into my work and maybe getting busy will help me not to think of it.

...maybe I AM becoming an annoying whiner.... which I don't want to be... so will just stop here...

Lovely 7th Anniversary!!

We just came back from our lovely 7th Anniversary trip! It was a mini-getaway: Started with a surprise Go-Kart session for hubby (happy the surprise was a success!), then head to the Niagara areas but without seeing the Falls and didn't do ANY shopping!! We strolled around Niagara-on-the-Lake, saw "My Fair Lady" at the Shaw Festival, A spa the next morning, strolled through Lewiston, NY and went to this interesting cave at Lockport! It was awesome!

I was stuck with a really really bad sore throat and cough and haven't been able to sleep for many nights now...dead tired so I'm not going to write much. But I just wanna record that I had a really great time on this simple trip. I probably haven't talk enough like I normally would with a normal health...but I had a really good time!

Just wanna thank hubby for sharing the time with me and to thank God for giving me this loving husband! :)

Happy 7th Anniversary!

Oh Sugar!

Baby & I reached Week 28 today. Oh sugar, how much do I miss my sugar! My cake, my fries, my juices....oh Sugar!

I had been extra extra good this past week, counting every carb I ate and keeping a distance from ANY sugar (other than those that are already in savory dishes which I can't avoid..).

Did my second glucose test today. This morning I let dad poked my finger before we left, just to get a reading on empty stomach to see how I am doing. The home test read 4.5, which apparently should be a pretty low score. I guess we are seeing good results from my strict diet of the past week.

Now we will have to wait for the lab test results to see how well my body torlerated that glucose drink through the 2 hour test. Took 3 blood samples, one before, one at one hour mark, another one at the two hour mark; Thank God I had pretty good nurses so it wasn't too much pain. The waiting was the harder part...sleepy, bored and hungry! But overall, not a too bad experience.

Praying hard that I will pass this time!

No worry Sugar Bunny, mommy is trying hard to keep you healthy and God is watching over us!

p.s. Yesterday morning the name Obe came back to my mind. Recall this was a baby name hubby had in his dream years back. It was a baby girl in his dream. I wonder if sugar bunny is a girl indeed. But if you look it up, Obe is actually a boy's name, with the great meaning of "God's Servant". Well, my little bunny, maybe we should start calling you: Obe Bunny! :)

My Sugar Level is HIGH!!

91 days to go and today I got a call from the doctor's office: I didn't pass my glucose test, my sugar level is high at 10.4 when it should be at 7.8 max!

Frantically in disbelief...although I really shouldn't be surprised ~ from all the sweet-tooth I have been indulging...but still! ME? Possibly with Gestational Diabetes? My bunny may be at risk? NO WAY!

All afternoon I can't help but to google everything under the sun regarding Gestational Diabetes...Information = power? Yes & no! I know I need to pray, and I know I need to be discipline from now on! At least for 91 more days if God allows me a full-term baby! I can't help but to think how jK need to have the baby earlier because she has become too big too early! I want my bunny to stay small and healthy!!!!

Got around this article that really spoke to me about my emotions: Anger, Guilt, Depression, Sadness, Disbelief, Fear and Acceptance. Where am I? A little bit of all I guess! What do I do now?!?!?!? OK, recap recap:

** Key is to not wallow in anger for very long. Treatment must begin immediately. Overwhelming emotions generally compound the problem.

** Guilt comes from feeling like the body that is supposed to insulate this wee babe has become a traitor. Naturally, mom will likely lay awake at night wondering if the diagnosis might have been different, if she did/did not do something along the way.

** A mom CANNOT AFFORD to go home and bury her head under the covers and cry for weeks. The unborn baby is counting on mom to take action and do what is necessary to keep herself healthy, so she can provide what is necessary for the child to become strong, regardless of the special circumstances.

** Disbelief is natural. But, denial will only compound the negative health issues for mom and baby

** Acceptance does not mean they have to like it. But, knowledge is power to take control and fight for the health of that precious son or daughter.

Ok my hunny bunny! God is here, Mommy is here, Daddy is here, GorGor is here! No worries! We will fight this battle WELL and you will be just as sweet as God wants you to be, but not TOO sweet!

98 days to go!

We are approaching the end of July already? I haven't wrote for soooo long already! All of a sudden as I look into the baby app on my phone, it says 98 days to go! WHAT? less than a 100 days now?!?!? This is both exciting and scary! Time is going both slow and fast!

This pregnancy has been sooo different from BBV. I had morning sickness all the way for 5 months...(although it came in the evenings only)...hardly gain any weight in the first 4 months, and then all of a sudden I'm HUGE! My backpains and leg-pains are killing me at times and I'm dead tired all the time! Overall, it has been more 辛苦 and much more emotional than last time. Not sure if it's because I'm older and hasn't recover well from the last round. Blame it on anything, I feel it has been a long pregnancy and I still have 3+ months to go!

On the other hand, it's going to be sooooo fast that our lives will be changed again! BBV will have sooo much to adopt and so will everyone in the family. BBV is certainly moving into the terrible two stage now and I can so feel the challenge of parenting for one already, let alone another one on the way! Can we do it? I guess we have no choice and can only rely on God to provide enough wisdom, love and patience!

98 more days to go...(that is, if Bunny doesn't come early)...let's make the most out of this summer!! :)

My bunny is now the size of an eggplant! WOW!

196 Days to go...

196 days to go... I'm in Week 12 now. Can't wait for my appointment next Monday to see the little heart and the little studs again!

The past 2 months has been tough. More difficult than when carrying BBV. Maybe I haven't recover well from the last one...we are hoping because it's a girl the symptoms are different...maybe it's just me getting older. Regardless of the "why", I had been more sick and felt more exhausted with this one. Trying hard to stay positive. I don't want baby to feel any negative vibe. I want her/him to be a happy baby like BBV! :)

I thank God soooo much for hubby. He has been superb supportive in every possible way! The past 2 months hasn't been any easier for him; taking care of both me & BBV is hard work! I guess he is getting a good practice for taking care of two! I'm so looking forward to getting my energy back and be able to do more and take back some load from him.

This past few days has been sooooo exciting! First dB's little Carsten, then fG's little Lois, 公主駕到! :) I can't wait to see the little angel! I was surprised when we visited aL for her new baby. I thought I was well trained with BBV. However it turns out that when holding to a newly newborn, I have lost touch of what to do with that little bundle of joy! I can't even wrap him properly!! I better train up myself again!!

Praying praying to my Lord for a smooth, healthy next 7 months! I soooo want to enjoy this to the fullest! This is my last round! I want to make the most of it! Praising my Heavenly Father for LIFE, and how He is seeing me through every step of the way!

I'm a mom now! I will be a good girl! I made my resolution over Easter and I'm going to keep it! I'm not going to let myself fall again!! Not anymore!!! :) With Him, all is possible! And I'm sure He is in support of me!! I can do this!!!

Wk 4 Day 4

How do I feel today? I'm not as sick as last week..I was surprised I felt sick so early in and now I'm surprised it's gone so fast...is that it? Or just a little peace before the storm? Am I just of little faith and not trust that prayers can really make the sickness go away? I feel of little faith that I'm not trusting God enough...Becuase everyone says when you had an easy first one, your second round will be rough and so I'm 'expecting' it to be rough...but maybe I shouldn't think that way because God CAN work miracles, right? RIGHT! I should keep strong faith! What did God say to the people before they move into the promised land. He said: "It's ALREADY yours! But you must follow me in patience and in faith".

The clock is ticking...my little bunny is coming!

Maybe it WILL be a mui mui? :)

A new Chapter

A new chapter is ahead of us!!! It still feels very unreal. I don't know why I feel that way...we wanted it and God answered prayers..but I still feel quiet unsettled. I don't know if this anxiety is normal or not...but I am learning to pray pray pray...to give my worries to God and to trust Him wholeheartedly because HE promised He will watch over me. He is God .. the one who cared so much my hairs are counted! So what's to worry?

This new chapter is going to be soooo exciting! I am praying for a smooth ride! :)

A I morning...

Disappointed but I guess I should have expected it…I really should focus on lossing those pounds and get my metabolism back on track…I'm feeling so 'low' these days physically and yes, the freezing temperature doesn't help! Stay FOCUS Jenny! Stay FOCUS!!

Things are going well…the morning tread time isn't working out so well, only on days when I have had a good sleep, but I've been to 3 hot yoga classes so far, getting some good strentches and getting warmed up to the bones! Oh that part always feel soooo good, esepcially in such weather! This past few weeks has been soooooo cold!!

Getting ready for Chinese New Year…Already? Yea, it's already Lin 29 today! The house's not ready and we haven't even buy red-pocket yet…but the mood is certainly in the air. We took out BBV's New Year outfit last night, it's funny how the pants still don't fit and ti's suppose to be infant size? I don’t think he will fit in them even next year! But he looks sooooo cute in the jacket and the cap! Oh my BBV!! Do you know you are sooooo cute?! :D

Booked!!

All of our bookings for SFO are finalized today. It still feels a little unreal and I keep on checking on cancellation policies with each thing we booked...Why do I feel so uneasy about this trip? Excited though!! And really looking forward to it! Maybe it's still the finances I'm worried about...I mean, we spent soooo much this past 4 months and it's going to take a while to get back on track...and now we are planning another trip? Just doesn't sit right...but hey! Things will work out I guess...and we do NEED to be there!! :)

Ok BBV, get ready for another plane ride soon! He is going to be so much bigger this time, I wonder how things will go! :)

Growing

Today I took BBV for his 15-month check up + shots at the doctor. Every time I go for these check ups it feels like I'm going there for a report card…to see how much my baby weights and how tall he is…to see how he measures 'against the chart'.

It's a funny feeling. Part of me knows it's not up to me how much he grows….whether his height meets a certain percentile…but part of me feels that if I had taken good care of him, he should be well fed and *exercised*, then he should be "on the chart" and meet all developmental benchmarks…..I know these are silly thoughts…but don't all moms feel that way? I don’t' know.. Maybe it's just me.

Blueberry knows sooooo much now….It's amazing what's going on in that little brain! He can't even really talk yet! But somehow you can start to see 'logic' in things that he do. His actions are more than just "random acts" nowadays….you can talk to him and know that he does sort of understands…

It's such a privilege to see him grow and develop. Life is a miracle. It feels like only yesterday when he was just the size of a Blueberry!

Oh my Blueberry! Oh my BBV! I wanna bite you! :D

Hot Yoga

I started a Hot Yoga class today. Got this incredible deal from the web for 10 classes…I went with no expectation, since I failed the last try completely.

I liked it. Because the teacher didn't push us to do weird poses..Because she didn't speak some weird languages…Because there was a lot of people in the room at different level so I didn't feel like a complete idiot....Because the room was sooooo warm (gotta love that part when it was -23 degrees outside! I was warmed to the bones!!!!)

I'm not going to push myself AT ALL! This to me is about relaxation…about taking deep breaths and stretching my muscles…I want to enjoy these classes, as "me" time! I'm not even going to rush through my shower…I'm going to take my time and relax!

It's NOT about being able to stand on my head.

Your toddler at 15 month...

BBV is 15 months old today. Pampers sent me an email this morning with the subject line: "Your toddler at 15 month". My reaction was: my 'Toddler'? What do you mean by my "TODDLER"? He is still my BABY!!

It is truly amazing and scary how fast time has just flew by and I have a toddler now! I thank God for giving me the happy healthy baby and even though the more he learn the more 'naughty' he will be I'm sure…I am just sooo glad that I've taken this journey as a mom. So much I've learnt and so much more we know to depend on HIM, for it is HIM that gives LIFE and He is the only one in control!

A Toddler?! What do I do with a toddler? So much to ponder about!

Day 3: Already a challenge...

This morning was tough! We had a wonderful dinner last night..had way too much food and both me & Allen were like on sleepy pills even before we got home!! Went to bed earlier than usual but still, this morning I sooooooo wanted to stay in bed. But somehow I still pulled myself up for my morning exercise…knowing that I'm going to be writing actually provided a good motivation.. Haha, so that my journal don't record 'failed' just on the 2nd trial day…hahaha…I felt good after the exercise and reading :)

Just purchased a 10-classes pass for Hot Yoga for $19 today…not a bad price to try out something new eh? I wonder if I will like it or not...Crazy deals on the internet these days…loving them! :)

There will be a small snowstorm tonight, and we are meeting a friend for dinner...Hopefully the drive won't be bad...

Day 2: On the tread...

So today is day#2. I had a very quiet afternoon and night last night thanks to hubby who took complete care of BBV and let me (forced me to) rest. It was good rest…not just sleeping-rest. I made plans in my head about what I can do, about my routines, time to serve, time with God, time for exercise ..and of course, also ran through my head what needs to be done this week, both at work and at home….

One of the first thing I wanted to tackle is this exercising thing. Doctor(s) keep on saying I don't have enough "hei" (air), and thus my weak body and immune. There are soups/food they suggested but ultimately it's exercising. Of course hubby jumps on it coz that proves what he has always been nagging me about. So what can I do and when can I fit it in? I tried to do it this morning, that is, at 6am! The alarm was set at 545am but I just couldn't get up…but I did manage to be on the treadmill by 6am and did 25 minutes on it. I also started reading a book on prayers while walking on the tread…

Guess it's not a bad start eh?

Today is also hubby's birthday..>> Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to B-Bo, Happy Birthday to you! ^.^

It has been so long...

It has been the longest while since the last time I was here…and as I logged in, wow! Really? It has been THAT long? wow! What have happened??

Life has been busy for sure since BBV's arrival. I'm not complaining at all, it has been all good and full of blessings...but have also throw ALOT of my "wanted-to-be" routines out the window...from exercising to, embarrassed to say, to prayers and time with God.

Anyways...trying to pick up writing again, more to myself than anyone...see if it will help me organize my thoughts and life...trying to get discipline again on many facet of life...

Not telling the whole world about it (me trying to get back into many of the "wanna be" routines) yet …maybe I'm afraid to set up expectations and fail…or is that lack of self-confidence or, even being little faith? If you happen to be reading this, pray for me.

Let's see how it goes… :)