The follow up appointment at the hospital did not go well....I did not 'pass'...and thus will be taken to the next phase...being referred to an endocrinologist for an appointment next week. Yes, learned a new word: an endocrinologist is a diabetes specialist doctor: Endocrinology is the study of hormones and their function, and the most common hormonal disease being diabetes.
Anyhow...glad hubby did come with me...I cried my eyes out when we left the hospital. I felt like a COMPLETE failure...and being cheated. Diet didn't work....my numbers are getting worse even though I'm being very careful about what I eat already...yes, I've switched to whole wheat bread + 10-grain-rice already...so what? I am eating 6 smaller meals a day and it's not working! I actually lost weight in the past few weeks already....so what? They lied!!! Alot of frustrations and worries and I couldn't help with tears dropping non-stop. The nurse say I actually need to eat more because I'm not gaining weight... Alot of frustrations and self-blame!
We prayed last night before bedtime. And now I guess I've accepted the idea that I may be on insulin soon. I AM scared. but what can I do? I fear more is that even insulin won't work! Just like when they say diet will work and diet DIDN'T work! I feel like I've lost faith in the system / program. Maybe it still won't work even if I'm willing to take insulin.....I am worry about the health of the little one...
Well...alot less emotional today already...Hubby and I took a walk after breakfast this morning and the talk + fresh air helped. I am trying very hard to remind myself that I need to keep baby happy! I don't want baby to feel the negative vibe and be stressed....but of course, that is TOO easy to say than do. I don't know how long / how stable I am able to keep my emotions at bay.
I feel I don't even WANT to talk to people or see people anymore because just thinking about it bring tears and I'm tired of talking and then crying...I know many people have it worse and I don't really have a right to complain so much.....yet I understand very well that I should not hide neither...it's a difficult balance I guess...
Oh my Obe Bunny...what can Mama do to make you feel better?
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