No one remembered my birthday this year. Ok, to be fair, I can't say NO ONE...coz there are many who did; and I am Thankful for them. And yes, for the record, hubby did remember.But there are a FEW *significant* ones who I expected some 'action' from, didn't. No phone call, no email, not even a Facebook Birthday message. Yes, not even a text message, and of course, no cake.
I guess they just forgot.
It has been over two weeks now and I'm still deeply deeply hurt. I am very surprised as to how much it affected me this year. I guess I'm ULTRA sensitive because it's my first year as a mom and somehow this is proving the scare that once you have the baby you become NOBODY because people cares more about your baby than you. I hate to feel this way. To be jealous of my own precious baby? Seems to be such a selfish thought.
But I am hurt. I am very surprised by how much my emotions were affected this past two weeks. I have cried and cried and questioned myself about the relationships with a few people. Those few that I thought were really close and would really care didn't show a sign AT ALL! Why? I ask? Why are they so mean? Why do I always celebrate their birthdays and always go the miles to arrange for a cake and spend time on finding the right gifts and no, I didn't get a cake this year from anyone...not any, not even a single cupcake.
I hate to feel this way but I'm in a real emotional slump. I can't get myself out! Everytime I think about it tears are coming down and I feel utmost silly and stupid! Hubby suggests me to bring it up and talk to them about it, so they know how much I care and how much I'm hurt. But I don't want to. This seems to be too silly! I worry that if I tell them, then next year they will make a big thing out of my birthday but I won't appreciate it because I will think they are just doing to it because I've said something this year...which then will make it so meaningless. So the more I think about it the more I'm in the slump and the more I want to retract and not see/interact with them and the more emotions I get.
Hate this state! I can only admit to myself and hubby and God that I'm hurt! Deeply hurt and this is leaving such a scar I feel sooooooo sooooo too stupid about. But I can't help it! Words cannot explain how hurt I am feeling and how lonely I'm feeling. As I'm writing this my tears are rolling down non-stop. Am I expecting too much? Is it an unreasonable expectation? Maybe they are not really that significant as I think? (or I should say, maybe "I" am not as significant as I think in the relationship)... but we've went through soooo much together! How can they be sooo mean?!?!?!?
Ok, maybe they don't see birthdays as being as important as I see it. Very well then, why should I celebrate their brithdays then? Should I stop celebrating their birthdays as well?
To add to the scar, I've just been invited to participate in a birthday surprise for another person. I can't do it! I can't face the group knowing that they are doing a birthday yet for another person but no one remembered mine. Hate this feeling hate this feeling hate this feeling! Am I becoming a selfish bad person now?
It had even put a grey cloud over my head as I planned my BBV's BIG ONE birthday party. I am the mom and yes I am totally happy about his birthday party...but it was soooooo hard facing that few people, accepting their help with the party when part of me didn't even want to see anyone!
Hate this feeling hate this feeling hate this feeling!!! and yes, I'm totally shocked at myself for how much I'm being affected by it this year. What to do? Well, I guess there's nothing to do....
