I'm having a lot of trouble gathering my thoughts and putting some logic to it. It's a painful process. Can I just run & hide? Cried my heart out and my eyes are like two boiled eggs...it hurts...my heart hurts too. I can't talk about this anymore. I can't verbalize it when I'm sooo confused myself...my thoughts are not making sense. I feel no one can understand. How can others understand when I can't even comprehend? I don't want anyone to think I'm just thinking too much and stirring up a storm within myself for nothing...because it really hurts. If others think I'm just thinking something 多餘 it would hurt even more...so I guess I better not talk about it at all.
A strong voice is telling me I'm in the way...you guys could have had a much much more productive & fruitful session if it wasn't for me...I feel like I'm the "extra" that shouldn't have been there at all ... holding everyone up...It's not the first time...History is just repeating itself. I will never get better~that is a simple fact, coz I'm just dumb...maybe dumber than I thought...
Why me? There are so many others that are so much more talented than me. Why waste time? Why waste everyone's time? This is suppose to be joyful..but I'm feeling pain, not joy. WHY?
Why NOT me? I know you're going to ask this question...I don't know. Somehow I don't know if I'm ready to know...
I want to thank everyone for your kind words and comfort...I thank God especially for hubby's patience and prayers with me. I know the pressure if not from any of you.. you guys are all so sweet and patience with me....
Am I just being pushed down by the inner voice? Or is it God telling me this is a close door that I should stop banging my head against and leave the way for others?
I know it's how much I am willing to commit. But...what if I don't want to commit? Can I just serve in other places? Other places that's not as painful? I feel like I'm a little kid crying on the floor....
Yes I do want to glorify Him...but! aye... I don't know
All tangled up & frustrated~~
