Next steps...

The follow up appointment at the hospital did not go well....I did not 'pass'...and thus will be taken to the next phase...being referred to an endocrinologist for an appointment next week. Yes, learned a new word: an endocrinologist is a diabetes specialist doctor: Endocrinology is the study of hormones and their function, and the most common hormonal disease being diabetes.

Anyhow...glad hubby did come with me...I cried my eyes out when we left the hospital. I felt like a COMPLETE failure...and being cheated. Diet didn't work....my numbers are getting worse even though I'm being very careful about what I eat already...yes, I've switched to whole wheat bread + 10-grain-rice already...so what? I am eating 6 smaller meals a day and it's not working! I actually lost weight in the past few weeks already....so what? They lied!!! Alot of frustrations and worries and I couldn't help with tears dropping non-stop. The nurse say I actually need to eat more because I'm not gaining weight... Alot of frustrations and self-blame!

We prayed last night before bedtime. And now I guess I've accepted the idea that I may be on insulin soon. I AM scared. but what can I do? I fear more is that even insulin won't work! Just like when they say diet will work and diet DIDN'T work! I feel like I've lost faith in the system / program. Maybe it still won't work even if I'm willing to take insulin.....I am worry about the health of the little one...

Well...alot less emotional today already...Hubby and I took a walk after breakfast this morning and the talk + fresh air helped. I am trying very hard to remind myself that I need to keep baby happy! I don't want baby to feel the negative vibe and be stressed....but of course, that is TOO easy to say than do. I don't know how long / how stable I am able to keep my emotions at bay.

I feel I don't even WANT to talk to people or see people anymore because just thinking about it bring tears and I'm tired of talking and then crying...I know many people have it worse and I don't really have a right to complain so much.....yet I understand very well that I should not hide neither...it's a difficult balance I guess...

Oh my Obe Bunny...what can Mama do to make you feel better?

Someone was praying for me

Someone is praying for you, someone is praying for you.
So when it seems you’re all alone, and your heart will break in two.
Remember someone is praying for you

Have the crowds round you gathered in the midst of the storm
Is your ship tossed and battered are you wearied and worn
Don’t lose hope someone’s praying for you this very day
And peace be still is already on the way

When it seems that your praying ‘til your strength is all gone
And your tears fall like raindrops all the day long
He cares and He knows just how much you can bear
He’ll speak your name to someone in prayer

Remember someone is praying for you

--------- "Someone is Praying for You" by Lanny Wolfe

Let me admit, I was so weak and MAD I didn't even pray myself yesterday ... (until at the middle of the night when I really really wanted to sleep I yelled (with my no-voice), "Jesus please just let me sleep!!"...but even that was more like a complaint than a prayer...anyways...)

But I know, someone WAS praying for me.

Thank you.

And so... finger poking continues....

Depressing Morning...

I had a tough morning.

So I didn't pass my 2nd Glucose Test. This morning was a 4 hour group session at the hospital, with some(minimal) one-on-one time with the dietician ... it was more like a workshop, where they went over the causes of gestational diabetes, what to watch for, the diet plan, etc etc...

Hubby had asked me before if I want him to come with me..but I thought, oh well it's just a class, let's not waste a 'holiday' to come with me... let's make better use his time-off when I really need him...plus, his parents are coming soon so he may need some time off... Anyways, I said no need.

But when I got there, there were a few husbands... one girl even came with both husband + sister. The nurse was praising "Oh that is very nice to have someone here to support you..." type things.... OK.. I know I'm in no position to complaint because I was the one who said no need, but still...that didn't make me feel good. Then because of the "one on one" time and I was one of the early ones that arrived...there was about at 45 minutes wait of doing nothing but reading the package they give you...which made me feel even more lonely and starting to feel a little depressed...

During the workshop we were taught how to use the glucose test meter (poking our fingers) and each of us have to take turn showing the nurse (& thus the whole class) how we are doing it. On my right is the couple that had the husband to calm the girl not to be scared and blah blah blah... on my left is the one with husband + sister to cheer her on... OK.. not to make a big fuss, I know it's just poking finger with the needle and getting a tiny drop of blood...but this first time of doing it is kind of scary! and I had to pretend I'm the brave one with no one to whine with .... Again.. can only blame myself coz I told hubby he doesn't need to come! But I didn't know they were going to make me poke my own finger in class!!!

Maybe I'm just getting emotional because of my cough and lack of proper sleep (I haven't slept for almost a week now because of bad night cough..but that's another story) ... but I'm in a pretty depressing mode right now!

When I first arrived at the hospital I left a message on FB saying I'm waiting at the clinic. By the time I left there were many encouraging messages...which I am very grateful for loving friends. HOWEVER! With every encouraging word that I'm getting, comments like "oh, there's alot of women that goes through that.. it's very common, not to worry, It's nothing to worry about...etc etc..."... These are actually ADDing to the pressure... Should I not talk about it anymore? I feel like they are not really understanding my concerns...or I should say, they don't really see my feelings.... I don't want to become a whiner and sounds like I'm making a big fuss out of nothing.... or should I just hide my emotions and pretend I'm not bothered by it...

Oh well... I guess I better get back into my work and maybe getting busy will help me not to think of it.

...maybe I AM becoming an annoying whiner.... which I don't want to be... so will just stop here...

Lovely 7th Anniversary!!

We just came back from our lovely 7th Anniversary trip! It was a mini-getaway: Started with a surprise Go-Kart session for hubby (happy the surprise was a success!), then head to the Niagara areas but without seeing the Falls and didn't do ANY shopping!! We strolled around Niagara-on-the-Lake, saw "My Fair Lady" at the Shaw Festival, A spa the next morning, strolled through Lewiston, NY and went to this interesting cave at Lockport! It was awesome!

I was stuck with a really really bad sore throat and cough and haven't been able to sleep for many nights now...dead tired so I'm not going to write much. But I just wanna record that I had a really great time on this simple trip. I probably haven't talk enough like I normally would with a normal health...but I had a really good time!

Just wanna thank hubby for sharing the time with me and to thank God for giving me this loving husband! :)

Happy 7th Anniversary!

Oh Sugar!

Baby & I reached Week 28 today. Oh sugar, how much do I miss my sugar! My cake, my fries, my juices....oh Sugar!

I had been extra extra good this past week, counting every carb I ate and keeping a distance from ANY sugar (other than those that are already in savory dishes which I can't avoid..).

Did my second glucose test today. This morning I let dad poked my finger before we left, just to get a reading on empty stomach to see how I am doing. The home test read 4.5, which apparently should be a pretty low score. I guess we are seeing good results from my strict diet of the past week.

Now we will have to wait for the lab test results to see how well my body torlerated that glucose drink through the 2 hour test. Took 3 blood samples, one before, one at one hour mark, another one at the two hour mark; Thank God I had pretty good nurses so it wasn't too much pain. The waiting was the harder part...sleepy, bored and hungry! But overall, not a too bad experience.

Praying hard that I will pass this time!

No worry Sugar Bunny, mommy is trying hard to keep you healthy and God is watching over us!

p.s. Yesterday morning the name Obe came back to my mind. Recall this was a baby name hubby had in his dream years back. It was a baby girl in his dream. I wonder if sugar bunny is a girl indeed. But if you look it up, Obe is actually a boy's name, with the great meaning of "God's Servant". Well, my little bunny, maybe we should start calling you: Obe Bunny! :)

My Sugar Level is HIGH!!

91 days to go and today I got a call from the doctor's office: I didn't pass my glucose test, my sugar level is high at 10.4 when it should be at 7.8 max!

Frantically in disbelief...although I really shouldn't be surprised ~ from all the sweet-tooth I have been indulging...but still! ME? Possibly with Gestational Diabetes? My bunny may be at risk? NO WAY!

All afternoon I can't help but to google everything under the sun regarding Gestational Diabetes...Information = power? Yes & no! I know I need to pray, and I know I need to be discipline from now on! At least for 91 more days if God allows me a full-term baby! I can't help but to think how jK need to have the baby earlier because she has become too big too early! I want my bunny to stay small and healthy!!!!

Got around this article that really spoke to me about my emotions: Anger, Guilt, Depression, Sadness, Disbelief, Fear and Acceptance. Where am I? A little bit of all I guess! What do I do now?!?!?!? OK, recap recap:

** Key is to not wallow in anger for very long. Treatment must begin immediately. Overwhelming emotions generally compound the problem.

** Guilt comes from feeling like the body that is supposed to insulate this wee babe has become a traitor. Naturally, mom will likely lay awake at night wondering if the diagnosis might have been different, if she did/did not do something along the way.

** A mom CANNOT AFFORD to go home and bury her head under the covers and cry for weeks. The unborn baby is counting on mom to take action and do what is necessary to keep herself healthy, so she can provide what is necessary for the child to become strong, regardless of the special circumstances.

** Disbelief is natural. But, denial will only compound the negative health issues for mom and baby

** Acceptance does not mean they have to like it. But, knowledge is power to take control and fight for the health of that precious son or daughter.

Ok my hunny bunny! God is here, Mommy is here, Daddy is here, GorGor is here! No worries! We will fight this battle WELL and you will be just as sweet as God wants you to be, but not TOO sweet!

98 days to go!

We are approaching the end of July already? I haven't wrote for soooo long already! All of a sudden as I look into the baby app on my phone, it says 98 days to go! WHAT? less than a 100 days now?!?!? This is both exciting and scary! Time is going both slow and fast!

This pregnancy has been sooo different from BBV. I had morning sickness all the way for 5 months...(although it came in the evenings only)...hardly gain any weight in the first 4 months, and then all of a sudden I'm HUGE! My backpains and leg-pains are killing me at times and I'm dead tired all the time! Overall, it has been more 辛苦 and much more emotional than last time. Not sure if it's because I'm older and hasn't recover well from the last round. Blame it on anything, I feel it has been a long pregnancy and I still have 3+ months to go!

On the other hand, it's going to be sooooo fast that our lives will be changed again! BBV will have sooo much to adopt and so will everyone in the family. BBV is certainly moving into the terrible two stage now and I can so feel the challenge of parenting for one already, let alone another one on the way! Can we do it? I guess we have no choice and can only rely on God to provide enough wisdom, love and patience!

98 more days to go...(that is, if Bunny doesn't come early)...let's make the most out of this summer!! :)

My bunny is now the size of an eggplant! WOW!

196 Days to go...

196 days to go... I'm in Week 12 now. Can't wait for my appointment next Monday to see the little heart and the little studs again!

The past 2 months has been tough. More difficult than when carrying BBV. Maybe I haven't recover well from the last one...we are hoping because it's a girl the symptoms are different...maybe it's just me getting older. Regardless of the "why", I had been more sick and felt more exhausted with this one. Trying hard to stay positive. I don't want baby to feel any negative vibe. I want her/him to be a happy baby like BBV! :)

I thank God soooo much for hubby. He has been superb supportive in every possible way! The past 2 months hasn't been any easier for him; taking care of both me & BBV is hard work! I guess he is getting a good practice for taking care of two! I'm so looking forward to getting my energy back and be able to do more and take back some load from him.

This past few days has been sooooo exciting! First dB's little Carsten, then fG's little Lois, 公主駕到! :) I can't wait to see the little angel! I was surprised when we visited aL for her new baby. I thought I was well trained with BBV. However it turns out that when holding to a newly newborn, I have lost touch of what to do with that little bundle of joy! I can't even wrap him properly!! I better train up myself again!!

Praying praying to my Lord for a smooth, healthy next 7 months! I soooo want to enjoy this to the fullest! This is my last round! I want to make the most of it! Praising my Heavenly Father for LIFE, and how He is seeing me through every step of the way!

I'm a mom now! I will be a good girl! I made my resolution over Easter and I'm going to keep it! I'm not going to let myself fall again!! Not anymore!!! :) With Him, all is possible! And I'm sure He is in support of me!! I can do this!!!